Those monsters in the closet

There are couple of monsters in the closet that hide way back in the dark cold corner. I found them again last night...

These monsters, every now and then, like to come out and play... alluring me to go along, every so often seducing me into their mind games.

I fight the temptation... most times I win, sometimes it's too strong... And, especially at nights, they start calling my name, calling me things, implanting vague and discomforting thoughts of memories I believed were a thing of the past and very well forgotten (apparently not), making me remember of those long lonely nights of rainy May, remembering the days when I tried to survive the pain, and a good day was one where I was able to hold a one way conversation with a supposed significant and oh so very absent other.

I try to hide under the blankets, but is no use... the more I hide the more present they become... until they start screaming and shouting and crying and yelling and laughing... I want them to shut up! Please, shut up!

It consumes me, can't sleep, can't be awake either... because I start shaking... fear? anxiety? of what? I can't figure it out... I try not to think. I get distracted with something else, but still they don't seem to be going anywhere.

There is one monster in particular, that finds most joy in reviving all the times I've been shattered, left on my own, ignored, not taken into consideration, stepped over, cheated... and I feel so alone and so vulnerable...

A second monster takes pride on mastering the game of feelings and emotions. It crashing hopes and dreams, making me feel like a failure, as if there was no hope of the life I dreamt... this is the one I struggle the most! I refuse to accept it! There must be something out for me! There must be love out for me!

Then there is the actual fear, the nervousness of the things next to come. The anxiety of the outcome: questions, questions, questions... the uncertainty of the unknown awaken by the monsters makes me wonder if what I've done and have been doing are the right steps...

I move with caution, aware of every step, every move, every word... trying, all the time, to do better, to get better, to keep everyone happy, not pushing nor disappointing no one. To be the perfect gal, with the perfect smile to the eyes of others, never the one who is having a bad day (I even wonder if I am allowed to have any?). I try, I swear I try!

And what seems to be an extract from the "Garden of God and Evil", the constant fight and struggle of perfectionism and keeping the monsters in the closet, is making me tired, like if most energy has been drained from me... and yet, I still can't sleep.